The Single BIGGEST Issue in Modern Relationships

HEY YOU, the person who CLAIMS that YOU don’t do this. Stop f***ing lying.

It’s not cheating. It’s not lying. It’s not nagging or money issues. None of that.

The single biggest issue is Fear.

A major research project revealed that the happiest people in the world were the ones who were the most FREELY OPEN and willingly vulnerable.

How were they vulnerable and open?

By openly expressing who they are, their hopes and their FEARS. They lived NOT fearlessly, but in open honesty about their fears, AND MORESO, THEY EXPERIENCED LIFE AND LOVE in spite of those fears.

Think about it.

How often have you heard this: Oooh he/she is in their feelings huh? He/she is going to get played.

or this: You need to get them before they get you. Everybody is gonna hurt you. Might as well get what you want out the situation.

Maybe you didn’t hear this exact statement before, but I”m damn sure you’ve heard some version of it. The idea in this is fear of others, and what’s sad about it is: you can NEVER actually experience connection because you have your guards all the way TF up.

“Ok but Jessica, I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to go there again.”

I hear you and trust and believe I had a major level betrayal and disruption in my past and it shook me to my core. In fact, I also had a few others that had nothing to do with romance, so I know that a lot of people are afraid of what others might do or say that is hurtful.

But here’s something to remember:

How does it hurt you to be honest about your dreams? to be honest about your opinions on things? to be honest ABOUT WHAT MATTERS MOST TO YOU? to be honest about the random thoughts in your mind?

We are often VERY guarded about our true selves to the extent that we create the heartbreak even in places it never would have existed otherwise.

CONSIDER THIS: you have two people dating who are both on guard, both HOLDING BACK, and not connecting.

So what happens?

They both don’t trust the other because it’s f***ing obvious they are hiding something. Come on people. We can smell the walls and barriers on each other. And it looks and feels like dishonesty.

So if you both enter this thing with these dishonest and UNopen guards up, you are already starting the whole damn thing off wrong.

Remember this statement: Everybody starts out with the actor and then later their true self emerges.

STOP thinking that your true self is not lovable.

YOU ARE LOVABLE to someone. So being your true self, open and honest, will ensure that the only lovers who come close to you are the ones who want YOU as you are.

Not to mention the PSYCHOLOGICAL drain people feel when holding back.

HEY YOU, the person who CLAIMS that YOU ARE 100% YOU at all times. Stop f***ing lying.

You know damn well you don’t confess your fears to people you are dating. Like myself, I’m afraid of the dark (on some kid level ish) and I’m also afraid of dying in a car accident and one other thing that I am only willing to confess to people I date and become close with)

but that’s my point… when I”m dating someone as we are learning each other, I say what’s on my mind. I ask questions. I PAY ATTENTION to their habits, the way they respond to things in their environment

AND THAT’S PART 2 of the fear issue.

When you are keeping blocks up you CANNOT pay attention to your lover and learn them, and they can’t learn you. Both of you are hiding who you are. So you date them and then a year later, you start being yourself, and have to START TF over. Because now you both feel lied to, and now you thought you had established a comfort with who they are, but now you don’t feel like  you are with the person you grew to know.

BE OPEN AND HONEST

RELAX your whole self. Enjoy the taste of food, Enjoy the touch of their skin. Learn his/ her smell. How does their body move when you touch their back, their hips, etc. How do you like to lay next to them? How do the two of you fold into each other before during and after the physical connection?

Listen attentively like a student studying for your favorite class. Ask questions to learn more. Respond with open honesty. If you have never experienced what they did, say “I don’t know exactly what that felt like.” Don’t pretend to have a similar story that might not even relate.

A lot of couples start out seeking how they are the same. F*** that. The differences are amazing too and show what you two can teach each other.

I don’t want to go on too long in this one particular post, but if you got follow-up questions, let me know.

At the root of it: DROP your fear baggage baby. And just be open to feeling and DIVING INTO every moment all the way.

After all, if you go to the beach and never swim in the waves, how can you ever claim to know how it feels?

Peace.

Salam.

Om.

Sabali.

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4 thoughts on “The Single BIGGEST Issue in Modern Relationships

      1. Yeah, I really loved reading this blog. You really opened up. It read like you were teaching a class on relationships 🙂 . I liked when you wrote about, just be honest or eventually you’ll have to start the relationship all over after a year if you’re still together.
        I’m so passionate about living a fearless life and being honest with yourself about love. I feel that there are so many people who don’t know what real love really means or what it feels like. Being a single African-American man I truly understand that being in a loving, trusting, honest, transparent relationship is a privilege. As most women I date have trust issues and have so many other heart related issues.

    1. You said:
      “I liked when you wrote about, just be honest or eventually you’ll have to start the relationship all over after a year if you’re still together.”

      I say:
      I’m very happy to hear that someone else is also sharing this message. Fear is by far the biggest issue because it usually causes everything else that gets the blame. Both people have to state it clearly and move forward OPEN and just enjoy the moment to its fullest and kick the worries about the future out the door, cuz no day is guaranteed any way.

      You said:
      “As most women I date have trust issues and have so many other heart related issues.”

      I say:
      This says a lot about our generation as many men I’ve dated proclaim their trust issues out the gate, and I’m like but you don’t even know me OR to the ones who do know me, my first statement is “But you know how I live, so I can expect you to trust me more than the last person right?”
      It’s a damn shame. So I just hope we set someone free to love and actually feel it fully by sharing this.

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