What do I want?

(originally written in 6/7/2010)

What do I want?
I want to know what I want.
I want to hold clarity in the palm of my hand
and understand it better than I understand this poetry.
I want to know what I want
so I can stop sitting inside of blindness…
enjoying the playtime… yes…
but worried any decision I make will be nothing more than a guess……
Will I know what I want before I lose what I want? … lol…

this is a mess. I confess…
I find desirability inside masculinity of various forms…
and is it doing any harm that I take caution
before any decision is formed?
perhaps… in some…
but in most I find hesitation is there desire the same as mine…

and so i find relaxation inside my indecision…
hahaha… or is it that my fear keeps me here?
I guess I may never know…
or maybe i’ll discover the answer but not until its too late…
is love controlled by fate or some outside force? No…
as rumi says…
love is surrender and it is this thinking that is dangerous…
but to release into emotion and just feel
and let the stream flow where it will…
is too much for my sensibility to allow..
at least at this time…
so i’ll rest inside my indecision…
until my reflection is seen in the eyes of another…
not only seen but proven
so that my senses can rest in a decision.

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