Defense Through Silence

 

Whining complaining nagging I’m so ANTI-those things that I don’t share my struggle in an effort to not appear to be swimming in the ocean of whiners

But I guess I should remember there is a big difference between whining and speaking a truth …

so here it goes…

I’ve cried more invisible tears than waterfalls carry each day

found myself with burning nasal passages and gasping for air fighting to keep my head above the waves.

one arm wading through the water,

and the other holding my baby angel high above so she’d never feel the sting of these icy waves

Other times I’d reach the water’s edge and we’d step onto the Earth hiding my tears inside towels just so she’d never worry about her moma

Her warm heart always so easily affected by any pain or suffering she witnessed

These days of walking on the surface I let her play freely, showed her how to spread her wings and catch the air

Her freedom expression Her passionate love of rhythm We moved to the flow of music from trees, to rivers, to speakers, feet on streets, every space was filled with music any time she was there

I’ve known more fear and doubt than I thought ever before I’d see

This up & down roller coaster ride got me questioning states of stability

don’t wanna get too comfortable in the peacetime

Like refugees on battle fronts I stand with an AK strapped on to my back

ready to decimate any one or thing that tries to unsettle this foundation

I’ve known what $2 left to your name 2 days from the next paycheck feels like

when car repairs drain every penny leaving you questioning if walking to work just to save the agony would be better

so I left the spacious house we had for smaller accomodations one block from her school

and placed my fate into the hands of occasional rides from friends, again walking to and from work, grocers, and the blessing of a coffee shop across the street

you see even at the age of 4, she was laughter and joy inside one small form,

she never realized that anything had been lost

We kept on moving and sometimes the wind would catch her and I’d lay back like warm sands on beaches for a bed and we’d breathe in ocean waves

Til the ocean evaporated and we spiraled into a desert… I painted portraits of deep blue waters, and kept her inside an oasis til I just couldn’t take no more

THIS CYCLE OF PEACE AND CHAOS eroding my center

felt i was collapsing like tower strapped in TNT

Life aint been no  crystal stair Mr. Langston I agree

But the beauty is we live to fight and see joy inside the sunshine and rain

 

So all the above was writing into metaphors and similes

but the reality is

I’ve known the burden of consistent worry about where meals  would come from,

and planning a week’s worth of LIFE on $30

I’ve known what it feels like to be backstabbed by a “frein-emy” more than once

who’d rather see me wrecked into a tree or sleeping on the floor than to really be an ally

I’ve known what it feels like to be kicked when you’re down by those who’ll deny it years later

But along the way, I’ve also known the grace of those spirits alot like yours

who recognize the light that’s also in them

and I’ve known what it means to give and recieve the right help at the right moment

to keep on breathing life

I’ve known more allies than enemies in this path and I’ve got more to be grateful for

so i guess that’s why I try to not complain

Then again… on the other side of it, I guess because I never really talked it out

Most people think this road’s been an easy one

At the same time, Maya Angelou once said if you cry out too often, you can alert an enemy to your weakened state …

so I’ve often kept my struggles silent

Defense through silence

That’s all for now… Til next time

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